“Yes father, it is I.”

“Who was the woman you were with?”

“I cannot tell you… For I do not wish to sully her reputation.”

The priest asks, “Was it Brenda O’Malley?”

“No father.” “Was it Fiona MacDonald?”

“No father.”

“Was it Ann Brown?”

“No father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest says firmly, “I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys.”

Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and says, “What happened?”

Tommy replies, “Well, I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads.”

Contributed by: Dennis

The third woman paused…. “Well,” she finally said, “my husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s going to be when I get it.”

Contributed by: Andrea

3:51 PM — Damned nose is spewing blood like a fire hydrant. Be back in a minute.

4:16 PM — Got the bleeding stopped but Janitorial is livid. They say the stain won’t come out of the carpet but hell, it’s already kind of red.

4:58 PM — Just got handed a notice to appear before the harassment board on Monday. That ass Jerry. I’ll get him and that prissy bitch too.

5:22 PM — Ah, dinner. At least the NyQuill is working a little. These pizza rolls are the greatest. Gotta get me some next month when I go to the store.

5:55 PM — Cops showed up because I forgot to go see them. Damned Gestapo gave me the third degree. The lawyer was already here because Jerry filed a lawsuit. Gordon’s wife is on her way over with a gun.

6:29 PM — Man, what a day. Gordon’s wife was caught in the parking lot but wouldn’t leave until she was allowed to bitch me out. They took me downstairs and I faced her. Then all hell broke loose when her dog jumped out of their Jeep and attacked my groin. Bitch must have had him trained by some feminist group. Just stopped in to get my jacket before they take me over to the hospital.

8:51 PM — Back at last. Damned dog did some damage. Five stitches and some rabies shots. I still don’t know what the penicillin was all about. They didn’t even have any real coffee there. Gotta go get a cup.

9:00 PM — Cops just phoned. I have to be at the courthouse tomorrow morning for arraignment. They said I should bring my attorney. Ha, ha, joke’s on them. We’ll be there anyway dealing with Jerry and Pammy.

9:36 PM — Got the virus finished and zapped it over to that new asshole’s system. Have a nice breakfast, you dillweed.

9:58 PM — Last code for the day. I finished the new voice help feature. This is gonna be cool. I fixed one section extra special. If you play it backwards it says “Pammy fucks the band”. Man, technology is great.

10:25 PM — Talked to the lawyer. He said I should bring extra clothes tomorrow.

10:49 PM — Shit! Circuit breaker in the kitchen went out. Nothing is working. Damn. There was only one Jolt left. Better make it last.

11:22 PM — Couldn’t find my porno mags. I think Jerry got them. God, court is going to be a bitch. Worse than last year.

11:43 PM — Called mom. She said I didn’t get any mail. No news is good news, I guess. She mentioned that my dog died last week. Asked if I would be home soon.

12:32 AM — Well, I think the day is over. I’m going to crash if I can find a bloodless spot on the floor. Gotta set the computer to wake me up early. Big day tomorrow. Goodnight.

Any similarities between this and any real company are intentionally coincidental.

Contributed by: Morgan

6:22 AM — Gordon called back. His back is worse than they thought. He was leaving the hospital and had to go back. He told them he slipped on some dog poop that was out front and now they’re worried he’s going to sue ‘em. They’re admitting him for observation.

6:41 AM — Jerry just got in. Man, he’s such a prick. His “Pammy” just walked him to his desk, as always, and played tickle the tonsils with him just for my benefit. Damned contractors and their girlfriends. Think I’ll call H.R. and see if this is sexual harassment.

7:19 AM — Got another call from Gordon. Apparently he has a ruptured disc and is going into emergency surgery.

7:32 AM — Got a note about a special meeting. The loon that freaked out yesterday screwed up the source code and we’re gonna have to re-do some stuff. Be back later.

9:17 AM — Boy, what a ball buster. That wacko really trashed the project. Apparently he checked out nearly all the modules and massacred half the code. They also mentioned that the backup was no good because that moron Bob screwed it up this morning. God smiles on me.

9:49 AM — Finally got PointCast going and downloaded the news. There’s another article about porno here at Macrosoft. Uh-oh, better do some clean up work.

10:13 AM — Finished re-formatting my drive and loading Netscape since at least it works. Now, I’m waiting for the system to finish loading. I took my zip drive down to the car and tucked it away in the trunk.

10:27 AM — Ah, espresso at last. Just in time. I have a spec meeting in three minutes.

11:45 AM — Another meeting from hell. I don’t know why they call them specs. You never actually see them until the project is done and off to shipping. I’m going to lunch.

12:12 PM — Got lunch. Boy, this pizza is the best. I don’t know what it is about the cheese though. Looks a little like a dried booger. They finally got Jolt on tap in the cafeteria. About damned time.

12:26 PM — Finished lunch. Went to take a dump but the line was too long. Ran into Leslie in the hall and she told me I looked nice. Hmmm… I wonder what she wants. Reminds me. Better call H.R. about the “lip lizards.”

1:03 PM — Called H.R. and talked to Rebecca. She said I might have a case for sexual harassment if Pammy-baby was making any eye contact with me while they were sucking face. I Suppose I could lie. Bitch wants me anyway; I can tell.

1:41 PM — Jerry just left, glaring like the prick he is. I think Rebecca just nabbed his ass. Ha! Bite me, you moron.

1:48 PM — Jeez, I was getting grumpy. Got a double latte. That should bring me down a little. Gordon’s wife left a message on my machine saying that he is paralyzed from the neck down. They think it’s permanent. Just hope the bastard can’t talk either. I’m calling my lawyer.

2:16 PM — Rebecca called back and has her titties in a tizzy. Seems Jerry the Fairy took Pammy-Eats-My-Hammy down to her office and mentioned that little incident from last week. I told her it wasn’t even close to a grope, more like a wedgie. Oh, well, something else for the lawyer.

2:29 PM — Well gag me with a frigging spatula! Another new guy. Damned contractors. Make more money than us and have that innocent look. Bradford, huh. That’s your name? Okay, scumbag, the next virus will be named after you.

2:52 PM — Whew. Went down to the car and took a shot of NyQuill. Man, I gotta come down a little. Call the lawyer. Call the lawyer.

4:38 AM — Gordon’s back cracked a little too loudly and he left for the hospital to get checked out. I am back at my desk checking my mail. Hmmm…. Wow! There’s a note here about the planning meeting for our new product. They’ve decided to call it Industry ‘99 because it will do everything our other suite does plus put Federal Express, Charles Schwab, and Nabisco out of business. Kewl, deud!

4:41 AM — Got another bloody nose. I don’t believe that damned doctor. There is no way caffeine can cause this. Damn! I’m out of Kleenex. Thank God for that medicine cabinet.

4:43 AM — Just got back and am ready for work. Boy, they keep putting new stuff in that medicine cabinet. Vivarin! What will they think of next. A couple of those and that espresso machine can kiss my ass.

4:45 AM — Started coding. These hidden functions are tough. I don’t know how they expect me to stop someone’s modem lights from blinking while we upload their life’s history during registration. Hmmm…. Maybe a BIOS call to the serial driver will do the trick.

5:01 AM — Time for breakfast. Damned microwave. Even on defrost it still makes the cream squirt right out of the Twinkies. Well, at least old Gordon’s not here. Yesterday he was so tweaked out on Jolt he set it on high and the damned things exploded. Boy was maintenance pissed. Took ‘em half an hour to scrape that shit off the inside of the oven. We will have a meeting on that one I’m sure….

5:10 AM — Ah, nothing like a good meal. Burned my tongue though. Man that hurts. Twinkie guts will do that to ya every time. Read the company newsletter while I was eating and it mentioned that the wife changed her mind again on the layout of the kitchen at Bill’s new estate. Damn, at the rate they’re going they’ll move in on the same day he throws the switch and sends the ultimatum to Washington. Oops! Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. That’s a top secret project. Oh, well, now you know.

5:16 AM — Went out to the Web with Exploder 7.0 Beta. Just installed it yesterday and it ate my hard drive. They aren’t sure if that bug will be fixed. Too close to shipping. The plan is to blame it on Quicken if anyone calls support. PointCast is really hosed though and that pisses me off. Can’t get my stock quotes.

5:22 AM — Gordon called. Says they’ve got him in a back brace. Promised to say he slipped in the game room while playing Asteroids so he can get L&I. He sounded a little pissed though. Better not play basketball with him anytime soon.

5:28 AM — Damned contractor called in. He says his father died. Guess I’ll be testing today too. Oh well, I’ll throw in a few extra-nasty bugs just for him to choke on next week. Damned guys are spoiled. They only work 60 hours a week and cry like babies.

5:37 AM — Cutting more code. Damned DOA objects. Never do what you want. Stupid thing just grabbed one of my dirty jpegs and slammed it into the server in building 36. The bastards don’t even give me delete rights. Damn. Better get over there and thrash it before the shit hits the fan.

General Overview

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe.  It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks.  It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping.

France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney.  Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.

Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food.  One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at.  As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.

The People

France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink andsmoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line.  The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points.

Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior.  Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common.  Men sometimes have girls’ names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals.

American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.

Safety

In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany.  By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before.

A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.

History

France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages.  Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.

Government

The French form of government is democratic but noisy.  Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off.  For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts’ municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles.

Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly.  Parliament’s principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains.

According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques.  Further information is not available at this time.

Culture

The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why.  All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.  And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!  Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?”

The man says, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man says, “Nope. Sure ain’t.”

Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man says, “Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”

Contributed by: Jack

Then, the young girl proposes, “If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs.” The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, “If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I’ll show you my thighs,” and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs
in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, “If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.”

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance. That’s the hospital where I had it done!”

Contributed by: Sarika

“The Law of Avoiding Oversell”
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

“The Law of Common Sense”
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

“The Law of Reality”
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

“The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

“Weiler’s Law”
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.

“Law of Probable Dispersal”
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

“Law of Volunteer Labor”
People are always available for work in the past tense.

“Conway’s Law”
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

“Iron Law of Distribution”
Them that has, gets.

“Law of Cybernetic Entomology”
There is always one more bug.

“Law of Drunkedness”
You can’t fall off the floor.

“Heller’s Law”
The first myth of management is that it exists.

“Osborne’s Law”
Variables won’t; constants aren’t.

“Main’s Law”
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

“Weinberg’s Second Law”
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Contributed by: Mark’s Kaye’s Joke Service
Another dedicated joker found at http://jotd.home.ml.org/

For Sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too!

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Dog for Sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service: Try us once — you’ll never go anywhere else again.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must like the food business, be dependable, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

And now, the Superstore — unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.