Joy Is Everywhere » D

Embarrassed

admin — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 04:04:36 +0000

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies.While walking around the course the English man’s wife caught her foot
in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn’t wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.

“Well darling,” she explained, “you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices.”

The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, “Here’s a ten spot. Go to Mark’s and Spencer’s and get some knickers.”

Two holes further along the Irish Man’s wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn’t wearing any
knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.

“Well darling,” she explained, “you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments.”

With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, “Here’s a five spot. Go to Woolworth’s and get some knickers.”

Three holes further on, the Scottish man’s wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.

The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, “Here’s a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit.”

Contributed by: Jeannie

Doing Well Today!

admin — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 03:46:14 +0000

Dear God,I think you’d be proud of me! So far today I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent. I’m very thankful for that.

In a few minutes, though, I’m going to get out of bed. From then on I’m probably going to need a LOT of help.

Amen.

Contributed by: Maggie

Dog’s Duty

admin — Sun, 07 Oct 2007 03:45:31 +0000

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children fell to discussing the dog’s duties.”They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

“No,” said another, he’s just for good luck.

A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dog’s she said firmly, ” to find the fire hydrant.”

Contributed by: Marilee

Doctor’s Orders

admin — Sat, 06 Oct 2007 03:45:03 +0000

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!” The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. “Yes?” replied the teacher. “Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

Contributed by: Laura

Distressed

admin — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 03:45:00 +0000

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde screams back at the husband, “Shut up! You’re next!”

Contributed by: Carol

Disgusting Liquor

admin — Sun, 30 Sep 2007 05:21:23 +0000

A pompous clergyman was seated next to an overbearing attorney on a flight to Wichita. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The attendant then asked, “The minister if he would also like a drink.” The minister replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely
raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips.”

The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, “I didn’t know there was a choice.”

Contributed by: Aimee

Delirious

admin — Sat, 29 Sep 2007 05:20:53 +0000

Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt? You’re in a hospital, sir. I’m with the police. We weren’t sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember.

Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin.

When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn’t know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spalding in there, and I said, “Looks like your hole, dear.” That was the last thing I remember.

Contributed by: Dee

Deduction

admin — Sat, 29 Sep 2007 05:20:26 +0000

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.

They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, “Watson, look up. What do you see?

“Well, I see thousands of stars.”

“And what does that mean to you?”

“Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What
does it mean to you, Holmes?”

“To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.”

Contributed by: JoLene

Dear Abby: Should I Be Honest?

admin — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 05:19:54 +0000

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for molesting most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.

The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick pocket, Benny “The Fingers”), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.

To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn’t I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

Contributed by: Hana