Joy Is Everywhere » E

Fessin’ Up

admin — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 03:30:50 +0000

A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, “Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?”A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, “It’s my dog. Why?”

“Well,” squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, “I believe my dog just killed it, sir.”

“What?” roared the big man in disbelief. “What in the hell kind of dog do you have?”

“Sir,” answered the little man, “it’s a little four week old female puppy.”

“Bull!” roared the biker, “how could your puppy kill my Doberman?”

“It appears that your dog choked on her, sir.”

Contributed by: Laura

Farm Yard Johnnie

admin — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 03:30:09 +0000

A primary school teacher decided to expand the horizons of her students. During the visit to a nearby farm, she challenged the children to raise their hands up if they knew the correct sound made by each animal.”Who knows what sound a cow makes?” she asked.

Cindie willingly and politely raised her hand and said, “Moooo!”

“Very good, Cindie,” replied the teacher,” and what sound do sheep make?”

“Baaaa,” answered Jimmy. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, “And what sound does a pig make?”

All the children in the class raised their hands all at once! She was surprised at the response.

“Lil’ Johnnie, go ahead and tell us the sound the pig makes,” she encouraged.

He composed himself took a deep breath and bellowed, “Up against the wall and spread ‘em, you little thief!!”

Contributed by: Equus

Famous Men

admin — Sun, 11 Nov 2007 03:29:36 +0000

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of
the day off.

She started with “This was England’s finest hour.” Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, “Winston Churchill.”

“Congratulations,” said the teacher, “you may go home early.”

The teacher then said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but..” Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts out, “John F. Kennedy!”

“Very good,” says the teacher, “you may go also.”

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, “I wish those girls would just shut up.”

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know
who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, “Bill Clinton. I’ll see you Monday.”

Contributed by: Al

Error Messages

admin — Sat, 10 Nov 2007 03:29:02 +0000

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000: 1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”
10) This is a message from God Gates: “Rebooting the world. Please log off.”
11) To “shut down” your system, type “WIN.”
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”
22) Welcome to Microsoft’s World – Your Mortgage is Past Due…
23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you
and all your future creations. Doesn’t it feel nice to have
security?
24) Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots
with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill
your hard drives, the following message is now required as you
save your files in Word.
“Word has detected that you don’t wish to save your text file
as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential
viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file
as a Word file anyway?”
25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Contributed by: Arlen & J.

Equipped

admin — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 03:28:58 +0000

This is a True Story excerpted from a local radio interview:
The female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club:

Interviewer: “So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?”

Mr. Jones: “We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, shooting.”

Interviewer: “Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?”

Mr. Jones: “I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the range.”

Interviewer: “Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?”

Mr. Jones: “I don’t see how; we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm.”

Interviewer: “But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.”

Mr. Jones: “Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute but you’re not one, are you?”

Contributed by: Laura

Emergency Landing

admin — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 05:59:41 +0000

Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile, just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy and says, “Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?”The second guy says, “Wow, you have an airplane? Let’s go!”

So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along for the ride, “Let’s land here. It looks like it’s as good a place as any.”

So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up. “Damn!” he says, “That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How in hell is anyone supposed to land on it?” But since it’s the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result.

Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, “All right, I’m going to try ONE more time, and if I can’t land it we’re just going to crash and hope we don’t die.” So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt.

When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is still swearing and gesticulating wildly at the runway. “I’m gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one could land on anything that short!”

The second guy looks around and says “Yeah, but look how wide it is!”

Contributed by: Jennifer