A man gets out of the truck carrying a loaded pistol and he has a fierce looking German shepherd on a leash.

“Now here’s the plan,” Joe tells Bob. “You hold the gun and I’ll climb up the tree and shake the big ape out. When the gorilla falls to the ground, the German shepherd will attack him and go for his
private parts. After that, I just throw him in the back of my truck. Any questions?”

“Just one,” says Bob. “What’s the gun for?”

“If I fall out of the tree, shoot the dog!”

Contributed by: Sylvia and the archives

A few days later a neighbor came over to visit and after admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, “All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the kitchen.”

Contributed by: Sefton

Joe went into the house, and the water was starting to pour in. So, he went up to the second floor.

As he looked out, another man in a boat came along, and he called to Joe, “Get in the boat and I’ll get you out of here.”

Again, Joe replied, “No thanks. God will save me.”

The water kept rising. So, Joe got out onto the roof.

A helicopter flew over, and the pilot called down to Joe, “I’ll drop you a rope. Grab onto it, and I’ll get you out of here.”

Again Joe replied, “No thanks. God will save me.”

The water rose and rose, and soon nearly covered the whole house. Joe fell in, and drown.

When he arrived in Heaven, he saw God, and asked Him, “Why didn’t you save me from that terrible flood? Did I not show you my faith?”

With a loving but irritated tone God replied, “What more would you have me do? I sent people in two boats and a helicopter?”

ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.

UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.

ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn’t understand it.

NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.

BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.

DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.

UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.

UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time. The Dumpty Dictionary, Version 2.0

Contributed by: Christian

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:

“Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

“Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened: some men came with
shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden.”

The prisoner wrote another letter back:

“Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.”

Contributed by: CR

The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn’t from Macon.

“Well, then,” the reporter said, “the headline will probably say, “Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog.”

“Actually,” the man said, “I’m from Connecticut.”

“In that case,” the reporter said in a huff, “the headline will read, “Yankee Kills Family Pet.”

Contributed by: Sylvia

The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. “Have we not,” he asked “a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?”

“None that plays golf very well,” a cardinal said. “But,” he added, “there is a man named Jack Nicklas, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea.

The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness,” said the world-class golfer.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.

“Well, Your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”

“There’s bad news?” the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed. “I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes.”

Contributed by: Michale & Karen