The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, “Leave me alone!” They both jumped back, silenced. “Whaa??” the teacher blubbered.

Then I typed, “I said leave me alone!” The kid got really upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!” It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000
went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: “Don’t touch me!”

Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.”

Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!” Etc.

Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

Contributed by: David

She ignores the remark.

A little later, the husband thinks he will press the comment with her, found comparing her rump to his apparent standard with his tape measure while she leans over into a flower bed.  “Geez, it
is as wide as the grill,” he tells her in an cruel and insensitive manner. 

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky and tries to get close. 

“If you think I’m gonna fire up my grill for one little wiener, you’re mistaken,” she calmly responds, turning over to get some
sleep. 

Contributed by: Nick

* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
* 2 French men and 1 French woman
* 2 German men and 1 German woman
* 2 English men and 1 English woman
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

ONE MONTH LATER on the beautiful deserted island in the middle of
nowhere:

* The 1st Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman…..

* The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a “menage a trois”….

* The 2 German men have a rigid weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman….

* The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman….

* The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don’t remember if sex was in the picture, because it got sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut – whiskey, but at least they know the English aren’t getting any!

Contributed by: Pam, a long time Joke Lover and contributor!

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.       

Letters are still pouring in asking, “What trip?”

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room.  He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.  He was wrong, of course, and the pain didn’t go away.

If you’ve ever had nature hit its your panic button then you  know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn’t help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, so she should go off in the woods and take care of the situation. No one would even notice he assured her. “The white will provide more than adequate camouflage,” he continued.  So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing.

If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don’t start moving. Yup, you got it!  She had them positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and onto another slope.  Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.

The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol.  They transported her to the local hospital. 

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.  “So How’d you break your leg?” she asked, making small talk.

“It was the darndest thing you ever saw,” he said. “I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn’t believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and pants down around her knees.”

“I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn’t realize how far I’d moved. I fell out of the lift.”

“So, how’d you break your arm?”

Contributed by: LC

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow’s curiosity got the better of him.  So he strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder. “Excuse me, Prince of Darkness,” he said. “I’m waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn’t help wondering why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?”

“Ah,” Satan said with a grin. “They are from Seattle; they’re too wet to burn!”

(For those of you unfamiliar with Seattle, it gets an extraordinary amount of rainfall, known to have one or two truly hot sunny days per summer season.)

Contributed by: Nicole

The farmer said “There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn.”

“No problem,” chimed the Rabbi, “My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn.

“What’s wrong?” asked the farmer.

He replied, “I am grateful to you , but I can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door, “What’s wrong, now?” the farmer asks.

The Hindu holy man replies, “I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can’t sleep on holy ground!”

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.

Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

Contributed by: Pat

2.  Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

3.  You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

4.  You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

5.  Long distance companies don’t call you to switch anymore.

6.  You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

7.  Your rob Peter…and then rob Paul.

8.  You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

9.  You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

10. Your bologna has no first name.

11. You give blood everyday… just for the orange juice.

12. Sally Struther’s sends you food.

13. McDonald’s supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

14. At communion you go back for seconds.

Contributed by: MADDSis

<><> “USA Today has come out with a new survey ….. Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.”  [Dave Letterman]

<><> “A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.  You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?” she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.”  [Jaka Johansen]

“Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?”  [John Mendoza]

Contributed by: Sylvia, a great lady who always has the funny short jokes!

A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today.

The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, “How many pounds?” The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, “Anything else?” The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, “How many?” The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before tying the two packages of meat around the dog’s neck.

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.

As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, “That’s a really smart dog you have there.”

“He’s not really all that smart,” the owner replied.

“This is the second time this week he forgot his key.”

Contributed by:  Nicholas