A gentile wife says to her husband: Did you buy any Viagra?

A Jewish wife says to her husband: Did you buy any Pfizer?

Contributed by: AI

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure
he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.  If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?”

“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.

Contributed by: Jennifer

Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves.

The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.  During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note: 

Darling, 
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled; I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. 

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,
                 Jimmie

P.S. – The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Contributed by: Lisa and the archives! 
Visit the archives for more:
http://www.allworld.net/allworld/jokes/prvwklst.html

The doctor remarked, “Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery, so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world.”   

The civil engineer interrupted and said, “But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the
most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world.”  

The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled and said confidently, “Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?”   

Contributed by: Hugh’s Daily Joke Service

When Dad was finished, his son said, “Wow, that’s really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me. He said that he came from Philadelphia.”

Contributed by: Chuck

The chicken was smoking a cigarette, and with a very disappointed look on her face. The egg then said, “Well…. I guess that answers *THAT* long asked question, doesn’t it?!”

Contributed by: Kim & RS

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.  The Texan immediately says, ” We have longhorns that are at least twice as  large as your cows.”

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.   He asks, “And what are those”?  The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”

Contributed by: Laura, a long time viewer and contributor!

2. Thou shalt not fix abort conditions.
Your user has a better chance of winning state lottery than getting the same abort again.

3. Thou shalt not handle errors.
Error handing was meant for error prone people, neither you or your users are error prone.

4. Thou shalt not restrict users.
Don’t do any editing, let the user input anything, anywhere, anytime. That is being very user friendly.

5. Thou shalt not optimize.
Your user are very thankful to get the information, they don’t worry about speed and efficiency.

6. Thou shalt not provide help.
If your users can not figure out themselves how to use your software than they are too dumb to deserve the benefits of your software any way.

7. Thou shalt not document.
Documentation only comes in handy for making future modifications.   You made the software perfect the first time, it  will never need mods.

8. Thou shalt not hurry. 
Only the cute and the mighty should get the program by deadline.

9. Thou shalt not revise.
Your interpretation of specs was right, you know the users’  requirements better than them.

10. Thou shalt not share.    
If other programmers needed some of your code, they should have written it themselves.

Contributed by:  Raj

The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, “Leave me alone!” They both jumped back, silenced. “Whaa??” the teacher blubbered.

Then I typed, “I said leave me alone!” The kid got really upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!” It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000
went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: “Don’t touch me!”

Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.”

Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!” Etc.

Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

Contributed by: David

She ignores the remark.

A little later, the husband thinks he will press the comment with her, found comparing her rump to his apparent standard with his tape measure while she leans over into a flower bed.  “Geez, it
is as wide as the grill,” he tells her in an cruel and insensitive manner. 

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky and tries to get close. 

“If you think I’m gonna fire up my grill for one little wiener, you’re mistaken,” she calmly responds, turning over to get some
sleep. 

Contributed by: Nick